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“Inthisindustryyou’reconsistentlyopeningyourselfuptoanalysisandscrutiny”—PaulAndrewWilliamsondirecting,mentalhealth,andacceptingwhatyoucan’tcontrol
Five years ago, Paul Andrew Williams wrote an article for Directors UK describing his experiences with mental health as a director. Below, he gives us his personal perspective of how the industry – and his approach – has changed in the years since.
It’s been 5 years since I wrote a little article for Directors UK about my experience with Mental Health, and how it affects my life in this merry-go-round of an industry.
I have been pretty busy over most of the last five years, which is a complete blessing and I count myself very lucky that I have been able to work. There have been some extremely tough times: tears, anxiety, the deep black void where one can get lost for periods. I have also had some great periods where I have had the intoxicating feeling of positive creativity.
One thing I have noticed over the past five years is that people are much more aware of each other, and although there are usually posters and a phone number on the call sheet to call if one is suffering, it’s actually in person that you can see people are accepting of others - and that has to come from the top. The message has to trickle down from the directors, HoDs and producers, that a film production should be a place where people feel safe enough to show the cracks.
Of course as a director you’re under pressure. As I wrote in my article five years ago, you’re supposed to be the leader, you’re the one with all the answers to everyone’s questions, you have to know everything. But I still think it is much easier for me, being the director – the one ‘visibly’ in charge - to show fragility and need support and be looked after. For a runner or a trainee who might be suffering the same way, it is much more daunting a prospect to ask for help. That is something that as directors and the ones overseeing everything, we should really be more aware of.
Another thing I’ve learned, or at least become aware of, is that almost everything about working in this industry is out of my control. As a director, I’m overseeing a vision and creatively leading the project – but however much I want (or try) to, I cannot completely control the outcome.
I can’t have total control of the budget I get, the weather, the crew, the actors and to keep trying to do so fully exploits mental health and anxiety, for me and for them. Anything can happen at any time to turn a great experience into a shit one… and vice versa.
Things I’ve learnt, am learning, and failing at.
I have learnt that I can have no complete control over anything else in this industry, aside from my own reaction to the present.
I can try, but I can’t make people like my script.
I can try, but I can’t make actors play my characters.
I can’t control the weather, external noise, the flight paths into Heathrow and the continual sound of planes.
I can’t control power cuts.
I can’t control any member of the crew.
I cannot control every aspect of this film or TV project. It is impossible.
I can control my reactions to a problem.
I can control how I interact with people.
Being aware of these limitations means I am able to do my best. At the end of each shooting day, edit day and all days in production, I have to ask myself if what I have managed to do will work. If it will, wunderbar. If not, I have to work out why and see if there is anything I can do to make it work better the next day.
Over the years I have also come to realise that no amount of success, good reviews, awards ever make me happier. I think that may be the case for a lot of directors. The desire for all those things is so great, but the receiving of any of them means almost nothing compared with the feeling of not getting them. Failing to get noticed, bad reviews or being turned down for something does everything to fuel the lack of belief in myself, and winning does nothing to dispel that feeling. Which definitely begs the question: why put yourself through it?
I ask myself this question an awful lot. I have spent days worth of therapist time discussing this. Maybe I am searching for a validation I am unable to give myself. I need to feel I mean something, and if I can’t feel that about myself, then maybe I can feel it with my work. One can try.
But I would also say there are moments of real joy and excitement whilst making the film. When the energy is really great and everyone is working together. I love watching my work with an audience, seeing people experience emotions and sensations that are lost for me since the edit. I also believe it is what I’m best at.
Mental Health issues can obviously affect anyone in any job, any position, any age. But in this industry, along with all art, sport and performance, you’re consistently opening yourself up to analysis and scrutiny, where the subjective opinions of others can influence not only your destiny and career but also shape your sense of self-worth and your reason to be on this planet.
But I’ve come to terms with that. And I am grateful. I now look closer to home for that peace and acceptance, and recognise that if I make more films or tv programmes, I will be extremely fortunate to do so. No matter what the result my family and friends are the things that will always be there.
Paul Andrew Williams' latest film, Dragonfly — starring Andrea Riseborough and Brenda Blethyn — is in cinemas now and is available to stream online. Paul is also a Directors UK Inspire mentor.
If you’ve been affected by any of the above, here are resources that can help:
The Directors Charitable Foundation.
Film & Television Charity helpline (24 hours) telephone: 0800 0540 000
Samaritans telephone: 116 123